A study in the journal Child Development concludes that parents who yell at their adolescent children cause the same kind of negative behavior as hitting them especially increased the risk of depression and aggressive behavior.

So parents who yell insults at teens calling them “lazy” or “stupid” are literally still slapping them in the face.

The kids whose parents used more harsh verbal discipline when they were 13 paid for it with behavioral problems as soon as one year later. 

Things like trouble in school fighting and depressive symptoms.

There are no studies that equate yelling and hitting for adults, but certainly verbal abuse is rampant in a world that moves as quickly as ours does today.

When employers resort to yelling, it adversely affects a person’s self-esteem.

All this sounds easy enough except in practice yelling often becomes the tool of first resort at work, at home, with family and spouses.

A helpful step is to postpone reaction time – even by a second or two to change up the frustration one feels when they trigger a yelling bout.

Just a few seconds can work wonders.

There is virtually no one who will disagree with the proposition that yelling hurts people so learning how to postpone responding to situations in which you feel compelled to yell, can be transformative.

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You’re going to think I’m crazy when I say think less.

We are drowning in over-think.

It’s one thing to intensely prepare for a presentation, but it is quite another to live the rest of the week preparing for other things that may not happen with that same intensity.

We ruminate on negative things when we think too much.

And expend a lot of energy.

We need to think, plan and progress but when we do too much of it, we let in these ruminations that do no good and make us unhappy.

We are quite qualified to handle life’s challenges and that’s a message worth repeating over and over.  But overthinking our lives is exactly what makes it difficult to live in the present.

Here’s a plan:

• Slow down or pause the constant planning in your life
• Save your best problem solving skills for when they are needed but not in constant perpetual motion
• Replace daydreaming thoughts with focusing full attention on what is happening now (I do this in 3-minute segments because more often than not, 3 minutes is always doable and staying focused often extends longer)

Sometimes we do too much when less brings us serenity and pleasure that is not possible by constantly overthinking our daily lives.

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1. When you win an argument, someone has to lose.  Best way to win an argument is to avoid it.
2. Postpone judgment.  Whatever your partner says that you may have a quick reaction to, take a moment – even a brief one if that is all you can muster – before commenting.  You’ll find that your ability to pause, think and consider will become easier.
3. Work as hard on your marriage as you do on your career and you will obtain it (my personal favorite).
4. The best gift that never goes out of style is the gift of your time.  Listen with 100% attention.  Be present in all ways when conversing with a loved one.
5. Celebrate your differences – the only thing that needs to be the same is the shared values upon which your lives are based.
6. The past is your enemy in an argument.  Leave it there.  Move on.
7. After the two year initial mating period, mature love grows by sharing interests and building on joint achievements.
8. Even during rocky periods, it’s never too late to have a date.
9. The only average that counts is batting 1.000 at trying (from my book Out of Bad Comes Good- The Advantages of Disadvantages).

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I discovered a Mayo Clinic physician who shared the most powerful example of why we never again want to be so complacent about taking things for granted.

His patient who had bladder cancer just wanted to be able to use the bathroom like everyone else.   That simple.  Because of his condition, an ordinary function that most of us don’t even think twice about became an object of appreciation.

We’ve heard “you’ll appreciate me when I am gone”.

Why do people never appreciate what they have until they lose it?

It’s human nature but we can do better.

This powerful approach breeds gratitude for even common every day things and recognizes appreciation for people we tend to ignore.

1. Find three things to be grateful for three strategic times a day.
2. Wake up in the morning and before getting out of bed or even fully opening your eyes, name three things you are grateful for as you wake up.  It could be the person next to you, the sun shining in, the feel of the rug under your feet.
3. Midday, find three more things to be grateful for in the same manner.  This can be in the form of an email, text or call to tell others thank you.  Or a private recollection.
4. Before going to bed, three more things about the day you’ve just lived that you are grateful for. 

For some, taking time to appreciate at three strategic times a day will be more gratitude than they’ve expressed in weeks or months.

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When I was getting my haircut, I noticed a mother having her hair colored with a son who looked to be 10 years old sitting in the empty chair next to her.

All during the procedure, she had her iPhone glued to her face and said not a word to her boy.  Remarkably, he kept himself busy without the help of a digital device, which is more than his mom could say.

This is a tough world where the allure of a smartphone is an addiction and where the lack of face-to-face interaction with other people including family is fast becoming a dysfunction.  

Let me stop there. 

We all do it. 

I confess as well.

But there is something we can do to retrain the way we use our digital devices and interact with others.

It is being present when we are present.

Lean forward and give 100% of your attention to another person.   No distractions.  No phones.  No daydreaming or fretting about that which tends to stress us out.

Even 5 minutes of this focused attention is powerful and once we get used to eliminating the things that distract us from human interaction, 5 minutes can grow to 10 and beyond.

No one wants to give up their digital devices.

Being actually present when we are present with others – 100% all-in to conversations – is how we take control of our digital world while reclaiming what’s important in life.

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Bruce Lachot and Kent Loo, Scottsdale, AZ dentists are taking their entire office to Hawaii in a few months. 

They are paying for all their expenses – airfare, travel, meals and are shutting down the office and not charging their staff with vacation time. 

It’s not the only time Dr. Lachot and Dr. Loo has done this.  Their practice is new age and employee-centric which is why patients love to go to the dentist if that’s possible.

When Dr. Lachot and Dr. Loo’s employees signed on to work for them, they did not know that Lachot and Loo were going to far exceed what most employers do.  They wouldn’t have any way to know of their regular potluck lunches where doctors and employees work together to solve problems. 

They have exceeded their expectations.

Whenever we exceed customers expectations, they leave happy and return again.  Hang out in an Apple store to see this in action.

And it doesn’t always have to be about gifts or money.

Sometimes it is about time.

Spending extra time with a parent or loved one or a friend that needs your ear and devoting 100% of your attention costs nothing but reaps great benefits.

We are unstoppable when we put these words on our refrigerators and smartphones:  exceed expectations.

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For years the state of Michigan had a problem getting residents to sign up as organ donors.

Even with 800 volunteers canvassing the state.

So in 2011 these volunteers asked the state of Michigan for permission to allow DMV clerks to ask every customer whether they would like to donate their organs.

In just two years the number of new donors went from 320,000 to 520,000 due mostly to the direct in-person questioning of the DMV clerks.

It took 16 years to register 2 million donors and now there are 3 million statewide.

One of the reasons we don’t get maximum cooperation when we want to get something done in our personal or business lives is because we don’t ask for what we want – face to face, directly.

That leaves spouses and partners to guess what the other wants.  

Employees to wonder what their associates expect of them.

It’s not magic.

Ask face to face and you are more likely to get to yes faster.

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If you’re like me, you have no doubt read self-help books to get organized, accomplish more and be happier.

But if the be happier part didn’t result, it may be because the getting things done part can make us a productive dynamo but not often a happier person.

In fact, as crazy as this may sound in our workaday world, planning less can actually help us be happier and it’s not going to kill us or get us fired.

We over plan, over dream, over problem-solve, over produce and focus too much on ourselves.

It’s the old saw about gaining control by giving up control.

Chances are we have plenty of experience to handle that which we need to get done every day without making it a compulsion.

Last week I saw a video by an author/lecturer who said have 3 goals a day, 3 goals a week, 3 goals a … and he went on and on tacking on more goals.

It may be the other way around if happiness is your end goal.

Be comfortable in your ability to get things done and think a lot less about it.

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Why is it that vacations and holidays are on list of the most stressful things in our lives according to the Holmes-Rahe Scale of Life Stress Inventory? 

They are supposed to be stress reducers, right?

Take the test and see how many points you rack up to see if you are at risk of illness, moderately at risk or only slightly at risk.

Motivational speakers and authors have made a fortune trying to help us cope with things that will help us in handling life’s stressors.

And remarkably, the generation that suffers most from stress is young Millennials.  Their lives have all the challenges of their parents plus the constant presence of digital connection and staying connected socially.

Here is the way to put a major crimp in life’s stressors:

1. Accept whatever you see without giving in to the temptation to characterize it as good or bad.  Postponing the “good/bad” impulse allows us to avoid the inevitable stressors associated with such characterizations.
2. Temporarily forget what you want and get involved in the experience of living in the present.

Most, not all, of the major stressors on the Holmes-Rahe Scale can be reduced if you practice not rushing to a “good/bad” opinion on that which occurs in life and momentarily forgetting about getting what you want.

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1. We like others for how they make us feel not because of who they are.
2. The person who thinks it is all about them is making a big mistake in human relations because if it is all about them, then who is focused on the other person?
3. The most fascinating conversationalist at a party is not as rewarding as one person who shows sincere interest in you.
4. The best work meeting is about the interests of the people attending rather than the ramblings, thoughts, desires or orders of the person running it.
5. A loved one cannot resist the person who makes them feel good about themselves.